“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of good fortune must be in want of a wife.”
–These are the opening lines of Jane Austen’s epic 19th century British novel Pride and Prejudice. Though written many years ago, the story still echoes in our culture today, especially within South Asian society. Well then let me say; it is a truth universally acknowledged that a smart woman in possession of a good heart must be careful and cautious in her selection for a good husband.
So you’re reaching that age- your parents want you to start thinking about that next big step in life: marriage, rishtas are coming to your doorstep, your friends and family are trying to set you up with potential suitors, do you choose that mechanical or electrical engineer? Ah, decisions, decisions. Today whether you meet someone on your own or are introduced through family or friends, the getting-to-know-each-other process can become a bit stressful. Aside from the obvious questions to consider like, do we share similar religious and moral values, is his Facebook profile normal (though be warned, sometimes Facebook can be a weak indicator of his normalcy level, though most of the time it’s a very good judge…), what’s his relationship like with his family, does he have a stable job, have ambitions, will he treat me the way a woman deserves to be treated, will he be a good husband, a good father, etc… in the midst of asking yourself all these questions, it’s easy to get tangled and confused.
A man can have a good heart ♥, kind eyes and be caring, but there are certain things that should never go ignored! You might say, but those qualities can outweigh everything else, can’t they? Well, those qualities are very important but there is so much more. And amidst all the crazy confusion, us ladies sometimes lose sight of what is right and it’s important just not to lose sight of who you are.
So I’ve compiled a list of a few things you must ask yourself when choosing a husband. Though some of the following statements may stick out to be obvious, we must not settle for just anyone who pours his heart out for us! You deserve only the best and you know exactly what you’re worth. Find someone who is worthy of you. You deserve someone incredible. Find your Mr. Incredible! And how do you do that? Ask yourself the obvious questions of course, but there are a few more things to really look into that should help with your decision, should you become confused:
1. Be with someone who makes you feel inspired. Surrounding yourself with people who open your mind and inspire you to make something of yourself is one of the keys towards personal growth. What can you learn from him? The guy you’re thinking about marrying should inspire you to challenge, question and act upon new ideas and passions. He should ignite that flame within you- to make something of yourself. And he should support your career decisions. The world is full of endless possibilities and rich knowledge just waiting for you to explore… it would be a waste to let it go ignored. A lifelong mate should be your enriching support system.
2. Be with someone who makes you want to be a better person, and vice versa. The guy you are considering to marry should make you want to become better person. Consider how you feel when your in his company and how you feel when your not. Make sure he is keeping you happy. Ask yourself the simple question, does he make me feel genuinely happy?
3. Physical attraction suddenly weighs less when mental, emotional and intellectual connections are missing. What’s the conversation like? Be with someone you can connect with on a deeper level than what’s on the surface. A good looking mate is great arm-candy and a nice self-esteem booster, but that materialistic feeling is only temporary and fades quickly when there’s not a deeper connection present. At the end of the day, it’s that deep connection the two of you have that will get you through thick and thin. Not his good looks. Remember, being physically attracted to one another is not a connection!
4. Listen to what he says about himself and how he says it, and then look at his actions. If they are contradictory, that is not a good sign. What he says about himself should be in line with how he acts. If he tells you he wants to become a better person, has changed his ways, yet does things that contradict these very words, he’s doing the opposite of what he told you. And us women are smart enough to realize when this is happening- do NOT ignore it! Listen to your intuition. A man should also not have to constantly put on a sales pitch for you to consider him. And if he does, those red flags that are holding you back are holding you back for a reason.
5. What does he YouTube? What a silly question, you might say. Ah, quite the contrary. This is a question that all too often gets overlooked but is imperative to consider when trying to key into his mind. Just like how you can tell a lot about someone by the type of people they have been with in the past, what a man YouTubes in his spare time can speak lengths about his mind. If all he does is YouTube pop starlets such as the Pussycat Dolls or Miley Cyrus, mentioning how fond he is of the 17-year old girl’s latest music video, that is a warning sign. You must pause and ask yourself: is this normal? Are we on the same level here? Are you really listening to more Lady Gaga than I do? By examining his YouTube habits, you can gain great insight into his mind- what’s there and what’s apparently not. If you find yourself questioning at any point, “Is that normal?” just know that it’s NOT. Do not ignore this red flag.
6. Don’t consider a guy who makes you feel like you’re on drugs. That dangerous and exciting feeling that feels so wrong you want to believe it’s right- is not healthy. When your friends ask you how he makes you feel and you respond by giving a drug reference, making yourself sound like an addict- that is a huge warning sign! John Mayer said it himself in describing his failed relationship with Jessica Simpson when he described her as a crazy drug he was addicted to. So dangerous it hurts.
7. If he is changing your morals and values for the worse, that is not healthy. You being the respectful lady that you are must show him your class by maintaining your dignity. If a guy makes you do or believe something that goes against your morals, he is not the right guy for you! It’s important not to get caught up in the moment or in the sweet words they speak. Being the classy lady that you are, you must never compromise what you believe is the right thing no matter what. Stand up and show him that you have certain values that deserve to be respected. You are a respectful and classy lady. He should treat you like one. In the end, his respect for you will only rise for not giving in. And if that doesn’t happen, then you have your answer: he was never the right guy for you. If you see you’ve given up certain values and morals that you previously always stuck to, that is not a good sign.
8. If you have a feeling that you can do better, do not ignore that feeling- it is there for a reason! Always listen to your gut! If you have a feeling that something better is out there or that you deserve better, don’t ignore that feeling. Also, if all your friends and family tell you that you can do better, they just might be onto something! Take what your friends and family say about him into consideration because they know you very well. Your close friends and family members will have an opinion about him. Do not ignore it. Take what they have to say into perspective even if it sounds ugly, for they want nothing but to see you happy and with someone you deserve. At the end of the day, you’ll be thankful. It’s easy to get blinded and sidetracked (and overlook things that otherwise should not be overlooked). Sometimes your friends and family hold solid viewpoints that should be taken into consideration.
9. No one is perfect and we all have flaws. Will you be able to put up with his flaws? If he leaves you confused or agitated after conversational exchange, this is not a healthy sign. If you are constantly tense or upset, do not ignore that. Marriage is compromise. What are you willing to compromise? Whatever it is, make sure that it is something you are willing to put up with and still makes you feel comfortable. There will be little things here and there that annoy you- that is normal. But ask yourself- is this worth it? Can love overcome this? Side note: love cannot overcome everything.
10. Look at what he does and not just career-wise. What are his extra-curricular activities? What does he do when he comes home from work? What does he do on the weekends? How much time does he spend with his family? It’s important to have a healthy balance in one’s life. If he does nothing and you are his everything- that is not healthy. If he does too much and has little time for you, that isn’t good either. No one is perfect but he should have things to do in his life that he enjoys apart from you and his career- whether it be sports, playing an instrument, reading, writing, a good circle of friends, support for a certain cause, or any other hobbies (Note: “Working out” DOES NOT count). What can he teach you? You should not be his one and only extra-curricular activity nor should you feel like he is always too busy. There should be a healthy balance.
11. Look at who his friends are. You are the company you keep!
12. Be completely honest and loyal to one another. Self-explanatory. Things you keep hidden on purpose will always find their way out.
13. Have mutual respect for one another. This is very important to building a healthy relationship. He should respect you and you should respect him. Mutual respect will lead to mutual love.
14. Lastly, constantly pray for guidance when a potential comes in your direction. You’ll be surprised at the signs God will show you. Always have faith and never stop praying. By placing your utmost faith in God, you’ll never lose sight of what’s right!