How to Choose The One You Marry- Modern Day Advice for the Modern Day Lady

“It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man in possession of good fortune must be in want of a wife.”

–These are the opening lines of Jane Austen’s epic 19th century British novel Pride and Prejudice. Though written many years ago, the story still echoes in our culture today, especially within South Asian society. Well then let me say; it is a truth universally acknowledged that a smart woman in possession of a good heart must be careful and cautious in her selection for a good husband.

So you’re reaching that age- your parents want you to start thinking about that next big step in life: marriage, rishtas are coming to your doorstep, your friends and family are trying to set you up with potential suitors, do you choose that mechanical or electrical engineer? Ah, decisions, decisions. Today whether you meet someone on your own or are introduced through family or friends, the getting-to-know-each-other process can become a bit stressful. Aside from the obvious questions to consider like, do we share similar religious and moral values, is his Facebook profile normal (though be warned, sometimes Facebook can be a weak indicator of his normalcy level, though most of the time it’s a very good judge…), what’s his relationship like with his family, does he have a stable job, have ambitions, will he treat me the way a woman deserves to be treated, will he be a good husband, a good father, etc… in the midst of asking yourself all these questions, it’s easy to get tangled and confused.

A man can have a good heart ♥, kind eyes and be caring, but there are certain things that should never go ignored! You might say, but those qualities can outweigh everything else, can’t they? Well, those qualities are very important but there is so much more. And amidst all the crazy confusion, us ladies sometimes lose sight of what is right and it’s important just not to lose sight of who you are.

So I’ve compiled a list of a few things you must ask yourself when choosing a husband. Though some of the following statements may stick out to be obvious, we must not settle for just anyone who pours his heart out for us! You deserve only the best and you know exactly what you’re worth. Find someone who is worthy of you. You deserve someone incredible. Find your Mr. Incredible! And how do you do that? Ask yourself the obvious questions of course, but there are a few more things to really look into that should help with your decision, should you become confused:

1. Be with someone who makes you feel inspired. Surrounding yourself with people who open your mind and inspire you to make something of yourself is one of the keys towards personal growth. What can you learn from him? The guy you’re thinking about marrying should inspire you to challenge, question and act upon new ideas and passions. He should ignite that flame within you- to make something of yourself. And he should support your career decisions. The world is full of endless possibilities and rich knowledge just waiting for you to explore… it would be a waste to let it go ignored. A lifelong mate should be your enriching support system.

2. Be with someone who makes you want to be a better person, and vice versa. The guy you are considering to marry should make you want to become better person. Consider how you feel when your in his company and how you feel when your not. Make sure he is keeping you happy. Ask yourself the simple question, does he make me feel genuinely happy?

3. Physical attraction suddenly weighs less when mental, emotional and intellectual connections are missing. What’s the conversation like? Be with someone you can connect with on a deeper level than what’s on the surface. A good looking mate is great arm-candy and a nice self-esteem booster, but that materialistic feeling is only temporary and fades quickly when there’s not a deeper connection present. At the end of the day, it’s that deep connection the two of you have that will get you through thick and thin. Not his good looks. Remember, being physically attracted to one another is not a connection!

4. Listen to what he says about himself and how he says it, and then look at his actions. If they are contradictory, that is not a good sign. What he says about himself should be in line with how he acts. If he tells you he wants to become a better person, has changed his ways, yet does things that contradict these very words, he’s doing the opposite of what he told you. And us women are smart enough to realize when this is happening- do NOT ignore it! Listen to your intuition. A man should also not have to constantly put on a sales pitch for you to consider him. And if he does, those red flags that are holding you back are holding you back for a reason.

5. What does he YouTube? What a silly question, you might say. Ah, quite the contrary. This is a question that all too often gets overlooked but is imperative to consider when trying to key into his mind. Just like how you can tell a lot about someone by the type of people they have been with in the past, what a man YouTubes in his spare time can speak lengths about his mind. If all he does is YouTube pop starlets such as the Pussycat Dolls or Miley Cyrus, mentioning how fond he is of the 17-year old girl’s latest music video, that is a warning sign. You must pause and ask yourself: is this normal? Are we on the same level here? Are you really listening to more Lady Gaga than I do? By examining his YouTube habits, you can gain great insight into his mind- what’s there and what’s apparently not. If you find yourself questioning at any point, “Is that normal?” just know that it’s NOT. Do not ignore this red flag.

6. Don’t consider a guy who makes you feel like you’re on drugs. That dangerous and exciting feeling that feels so wrong you want to believe it’s right- is not healthy. When your friends ask you how he makes you feel and you respond by giving a drug reference, making yourself sound like an addict- that is a huge warning sign! John Mayer said it himself in describing his failed relationship with Jessica Simpson when he described her as a crazy drug he was addicted to. So dangerous it hurts.

7. If he is changing your morals and values for the worse, that is not healthy. You being the respectful lady that you are must show him your class by maintaining your dignity. If a guy makes you do or believe something that goes against your morals, he is not the right guy for you! It’s important not to get caught up in the moment or in the sweet words they speak. Being the classy lady that you are, you must never compromise what you believe is the right thing no matter what. Stand up and show him that you have certain values that deserve to be respected. You are a respectful and classy lady. He should treat you like one. In the end, his respect for you will only rise for not giving in. And if that doesn’t happen, then you have your answer: he was never the right guy for you. If you see you’ve given up certain values and morals that you previously always stuck to, that is not a good sign.

8. If you have a feeling that you can do better, do not ignore that feeling- it is there for a reason! Always listen to your gut! If you have a feeling that something better is out there or that you deserve better, don’t ignore that feeling. Also, if all your friends and family tell you that you can do better, they just might be onto something! Take what your friends and family say about him into consideration because they know you very well. Your close friends and family members will have an opinion about him. Do not ignore it. Take what they have to say into perspective even if it sounds ugly, for they want nothing but to see you happy and with someone you deserve. At the end of the day, you’ll be thankful. It’s easy to get blinded and sidetracked (and overlook things that otherwise should not be overlooked). Sometimes your friends and family hold solid viewpoints that should be taken into consideration.

9. No one is perfect and we all have flaws. Will you be able to put up with his flaws? If he leaves you confused or agitated after conversational exchange, this is not a healthy sign. If you are constantly tense or upset, do not ignore that. Marriage is compromise. What are you willing to compromise? Whatever it is, make sure that it is something you are willing to put up with and still makes you feel comfortable. There will be little things here and there that annoy you- that is normal. But ask yourself- is this worth it? Can love overcome this? Side note: love cannot overcome everything.

10. Look at what he does and not just career-wise. What are his extra-curricular activities? What does he do when he comes home from work? What does he do on the weekends? How much time does he spend with his family? It’s important to have a healthy balance in one’s life. If he does nothing and you are his everything- that is not healthy. If he does too much and has little time for you, that isn’t good either. No one is perfect but he should have things to do in his life that he enjoys apart from you and his career- whether it be sports, playing an instrument, reading, writing, a good circle of friends, support for a certain cause, or any other hobbies (Note: “Working out” DOES NOT count). What can he teach you? You should not be his one and only extra-curricular activity nor should you feel like he is always too busy. There should be a healthy balance.

11. Look at who his friends are. You are the company you keep!

12. Be completely honest and loyal to one another. Self-explanatory. Things you keep hidden on purpose will always find their way out.

13. Have mutual respect for one another. This is very important to building a healthy relationship. He should respect you and you should respect him. Mutual respect will lead to mutual love.

14. Lastly, constantly pray for guidance when a potential comes in your direction. You’ll be surprised at the signs God will show you. Always have faith and never stop praying. By placing your utmost faith in God, you’ll never lose sight of what’s right!

Punjab De Cotton

By Uzma Bawany/Thaakat Foundation

Remember when you were a kid and you ached to be able to get your hands on your big brother or sisters expensive shirt ? The one shirt that had a price tag of $120 dollars. Or how about when your mama told you to go wash your face in the morning and you wiped your face on the sulkiest towel you had ever laid your hands on.

Then came the moment- you pulled the tag out because it was bothering you and as soon as you got ready to rip and pull you saw a light shine from above..

It read, “Made in Pakistan.”

It soon became a game- I looked for the labels. I was proud that such adorned clothing and accessories were being made in my home country. Pakistan is currently the world’s fourth largest cotton producer, thus those proud labels all now made sense.

For a country that struggles to maintain its core industries amongst other international pressures, domestic struggles and threats of drought- government support to ensure abundant fertilizer and attention to these cotton crops is vital. Pakistan’s textile and cotton industry make up almost half of the manufacturing base in the country and account for approximately 60% of the country’s export receipts according to the International Food Policy Research Institute. In the past year, there has been a 7.7 percent decrease in healthy growth of cotton for the country of Pakistan. Hope flickers.

As of most recently, the cotton crop in Punjab entered a most pivotal stage in its fight to continue as the country’s backbone. Various levels of attack by the Curl Leave Cotton Virus have attacked the masses of cotton crop in Punjab province. The virus has been further complicated by numerous havoc wreaking pest assaults. Substantial water shortage from a drought in June and July has multiplied pressures for farmers to bring resolve through compounding pathways. Farmers have not only lost money and time, but hope now only glimmers as the government has set no support price. These farmers are taking severe chance in investment as only time will tell how the return will fare.

Though the area for cultivation of cotton has been increased significantly in Pakistan in the past decade, corresponding growth is still resistant. There is no cotton crop insurance system in Pakistan and without this, farmers with abundant knowledge and resources will be hesitant as they cannot afford the fiscal risk. The government has helped maintain the country’s mainstay for its “white gold” but a proper insurance program, pest prevention and superior irrigation structures will ensure we all continue to have our moments of proud variety when we turn the labels in our shirts.

Where’s Mr. Perfect?

By: Charmi Patel/Thaakat Foundation

Really though? Where is he? Is he the best friend or is he the neighbor across the street. When do you know? How do you feel? I have absolutely no idea regarding those questions. However, I do know one thing for sure. You should be completely comfortable with him and everything around him. Nothing should be an issue. Every topic should be an open topic. How do you know if someone is truly the one for you? You really don’t know. It’s a matter of trial and error. It’s important to give yourself the chance to get to know someone and even the chance to not like them. No one says that dating is easy. You shouldn’t agree to a date because you feel bad. It should be because you want to go out with that certain someone…who knows: they may be a good significant other or even a better friend. Never miss out on those opportunities. Everyone is capable of friendship, and that is one thing forgotten in the episodes of dating.

Now how about those parent-inflicted dates? Good, bad, mediocre? I have to say..those are not as bad as people make them seem. Your parents are always looking for the best for you. They never want to see you get hurt or fall. These “potentials” they throw at you usually have a few qualities you are looking for. Now what’s wrong with checking them out? You may learn to like them…and if not, they may become good friends. Never miss out on those opportunities, much less any opportunities.

Let’s come to the women LOOKING to close the deal. Is that really a way you should be thinking? Dating, and especially marriage, is a very important ordeal in anyone’s life. Not just yours, but your family’s. You want to be sure you are happy sharing your life with this other person. Don’t feel like you have to settle for less or just agree to what others say. The great thing is that you have a say in your life. Make yourself heard, but be mature and respectful about it. Everyone has their destiny sought out…it could be just a matter of time till yours is fulfilled. Don’t lose yourself in the struggle and don’t sell yourself short of what you deserve.

Chivalry: Courtesy

By: Charmi Patel

Chivalry….is it “dead”. Looking around, how often do you see people acting chivalrous? I’ll be honest, when I say people, I mean men. Someone told me that women make it difficult for men to act courteous. How is that even an excuse, I wondered. I agree that women are more independent nowadays, and that may clash with men doing certain things for them. However, as much as we don’t need it, it still feels nice when they put us first at times. I also see that some women do not appreciate when they have a good thing, and that may make a man falter at future opportunities. It’s a two-way street: both men and women should attain to the topic at hand. I recently saw a young couple leaving Panera Bread. This young man went straight for the drivers seat door and held it open for the women. He made it look like a normal part of his day. Now, let’s be realistic. No one is asking for this to be done every single day with every single door; but come on, would once in a while be too difficult? It’s true that chivalry was very different in the past, and it has changed just as times have changed. It used to be expected of men who were trying to take care of their women. Nowadays, chivalry has transformed its way to courtesy.

Chivalry is something that could and should be done for whoever: wife, friend, stranger, etc. It is a form of manners. How do you feel when someone goes out of his or her way to hold the door open just a few seconds longer? It didn’t take much out of their day, did it? But I can guarantee it made you smile. Likewise, you may have held the door open for the person right behind you. These moves are so miniscule that they are often ignored or taken for advantage. Take a second and appreciate when you find yourself in good company.  Although women may think it’s a man’s job to be chivalrous, there are many things that women can do as well. Everyone is capable of making those certain moves. Now that is why chivalry is practically transformed to courtesy.

Adam & Eve

By: Javeria Azhar

My arguments with my brother somehow always seems to boil down to the Adam and Eve story. To give a little background: my brother (who is more like a friend than an older brother) doesn’t like to admit when he is wrong, especially when the person whose right is his younger sister! Hmm, so what does that really have to do with Adam and Eve? Well, my brother enjoys holding up the argument, no matter what the situation, that women tend to be wrong. He justifies this by saying,” Look at what happened to Adam?” So let’s familiarize ourselves with the Adam and Eve story for the hundredth time!

Basically, Eve convinced Adam to eat the “forbidden” fruit and as punishment, the two of them were sent down to earth. That’s basically how we tend to summarize the Adam and Eve story. But it makes us wonder, why would Eve convince Adam to disobey God? Uh, women are mischievous? Hmm…let us back track now and look at all the characters in the story of Adam and Eve, one of which is Satan. To get a better understanding of the whole story, this would help people like my brother understand that women are not embedded with mischievous characteristics. As we all know, God created Adam and all the Angels-and Satan was one of the Angels. God then ordered them to bow down to Adam. Satan refused to bow down and as a punishment, was banished from heaven. As an action of revenge, Satan vowed to lead astray God’s beloved Adam. Now Satan chose Eve as his outlet to lead Adam astray and convinced her in trying the “forbidden” fruit. Why Eve? Because she is a woman? No! The correct answer is because this was Satan’s only way of taking revenge on God in the form of Adam’s disobedience through Eve. He wanted to prove to God that Adam, the one who all the Angels bowed down to, is no better than him (Satan). In other words, Adam would know better than listening to Satan; Satan and Adam had a history and were more like enemies! On the other hand, Eve was an easier target and a better candidate since Eve and Satan didn’t have a history! So brother, women are not easily led astray nor are we weak and mischievous. We can rationalize this by saying that had Satan chosen Adam it would not have worked. Adam and Satan were enemies, and who would listen to one’s own enemy? I feel sorry for Eve; but had the two of them not tried the “forbidden” fruit, we would not be here today!

Ek Masla: Arranged Marriage or Love?

By: Javeria Azhar

Since my usual hair stylist stopped working at my regular salon, I ended up with a Caucasian hair stylist, Celest.  Every time an acquaintance or a stranger discovers I am a Pakistani-Muslim, first thing I am asked is:

“So will you be arranged to someone…” or “Are you arranged?”

As expected, that is the first thing Celest asked me. Being approached with this question with such curiosity from others so many times has me thinking on my view on arranged marriages. In addition to this, people often ask if I mind being arranged when they find out I am not arranged. A Couple years ago my answer would have been:

“I can not imagine being arranged!”

But now I think why not? I have seen a lot of people being arranged and a lot of people having a “love” marriage. Further more I have seen both work and fail. Arrange marriages and “love” marriages both have equal chances of working and failing.

From my perspective, marriage is just like any other relationship. It needs work, time, understanding and sacrifice from both individuals involved; but most importantly respect for one another. Respecting each others view, way of life and families are few important aspects of making a relationship work. When being arranged to some one, respect is the foundation of the new relationship between the two individuals.

In addition to this, one falls in love gradually, it is not overnight. So whether you fall in love before marriage or after marriage (like in the case of many arranged marriages), it requires patience and a lot of understanding from both individuals. Any sort of friendship takes time to develop; therefore it shouldn’t be of surprise if it takes time for individuals who are arranged to fall in love. If the effort is there with the right ingredients then why wouldn’t an arranged marriage work? Just remember that a happy marriage, like any other successful relationship, is a result of team work!

What really should be the basis of marriage in the first place, love or social norms? As many of us have moved to beyond traditions we can’t help but have our cultures reflected by media, news and the everyday situations around us- the thought of the typical South Asian Masala for a marriage is no longer appetizing to many of us. Ok so granted, there is the situation of the “true” arranged (this may be many of our parents) where they first met on their wedding day! Then there is the arranged with a more open influence and here is how I’ve seen it work most often:

• Boy sees girl at wedding, dinner party, school and is interested on the basis of physical attraction, mannerisms, religious morale etc.
• Boys mom approaches girls mom so they can further talk
• A date is set and the boys family comes to the girls home
• The boy is grilled by the girls family- (this assures mom and pops that their little girl will be sent off with a suitable young man. Questions like, How did you do in school? What kind of job do you have? Do you have a bad temper? What are your hobbies?)
• If the parents find appropriate and decide to further, the boy and girl are usually allowed to continue via phone conversation for a short time before they make their final decision
• Thus something like this is a combination of enforcement by the parents (only the fittest candidates survive!) and final decision by the two people involved

Thus I wouldn’t say this represents the traditional structure of a “love” relationship, though it does take into contemplation the vital concept of the two people developing trust, compatibility and understanding before making the very bold move.

So parents, when you are considering an arranged marriage for your kids, please consider the thoughts and feelings of your children. Even the richest of men cannot keep your daughter happy if the compatibility is lacking. And Boys and Girls, if there is someone that you are interested in, be kind enough to take into consideration your parents first and foremost and your future. The decision must be based on trust, understanding, religious compatibilities, good mannerisms, sustainability and honesty. Do not think of tomorrow, think of your future and a family 10 years from now! Take the consideration to your parents asap before losing their trust and falling into the casual dating schema.